just to know that you're alive (feb. 17)

There have been more trials within the last month than probably all of the last year put together.

And yet, I have not skipped one class at all in 2009. I have done twice that which I would have done probably twenty times already since the beginning of the new year. I am on speaking terms with both of my parents, and my little brother calls me every Saturday to ask when we're going to hang out.

In the grand scheme, I am doing well.

Sure, there have been days (like today) when I've cried enough for several lifetimes, but maybe that's not an altogether bad thing. And there are people who I know are there for me, for hugs, for advice, for commiseration, and yes, for the kick in the butt to get me back on track.

I guess I see it like this. When life is good, you sip a cappuccino and thank God for his blessings. When the storms start to brew, you thank God for the roof over your head. When you run out of money, you thank God for your health. When sickness and disease come, you thank God for each other, and the precious gift of time, which, really, is all that matters. As Ruth says, "At least you have something to lose."

I don't know much about faith or religion, but I know this much. Believing in a plan gives you something to cling to, something to reach for, and when I'd really rather jump off a bridge than just about anything else, I can wrap my shaking fingers around the belief that there is some perfect design, and I can know that, somehow, things are going to be okay.

There is so much brokenness in the world. So many families wrenched apart, so many bodies and minds ravaged by disease, so many people facing personal crises on so many levels. We have to, I have to, believe there is a purpose. We must. Because if there is not, then all of this is happening for nothing, and if you believe that then why bother going on living at all?

We live because, deep down, sometimes deeper than we dare look, there is that desperate desire to believe that we have a purpose. We live because there are people we care about, people we want to spend time with. We live because we crave the smell of a new morning, long for the calm pitter-patter of a summer rain, ache for dusky pine and the light wind that kisses us to sleep.

We live because we must..but it is only when we realize this that life becomes a verb instead of a noun, and we are freed to experience it thoroughly.