Reflection

Turned in my theology papers with 40 minutes to spare. Quite proud of myself, actually. Amanda is in town for a whole TWO DAYS before going across the state to fight fires all summer :( I'm downright depressed about it but at least I'll get to see her tonight for a few hours (along with all her other friends though, but that's how it must be).

Spending the weekend at my parents' house. It's the first time I've spent any real time here since Christmas. Haven't stayed the night since then and I'm staying tonight. My room is a disaster so I decided to start cleaning it out. I thought it would be easy to just get rid of most of my junk, since obviously I haven't missed it since September.

I don't know, I started going through though and it's just weird the things I've found. My "Friends Forever" necklace with Tara that I tucked into a box to remind me of happier days. The candle Laurel gave me for Christmas in seventh grade. Earrings from my grandparents that I broke before I even got the chance to wear. My gramma's Halloween note from October. Razors in pockets in old purses. An envelope of pictures I was supposed to give Jeannette from Grease in eleventh grade. The candle I got for Tawni and never gave to her; maybe I'll give it to Janet. Four books on learning French (weird since I'm majoring in Spanish). The email for my freshman advisor at college. The box of Nilla Wafers Sam and Darlene gave me for Christmas a year ago, before Sam moved four states away. The duck-shaped bank that Bekah gave me for my birthday in fifth grade, that I named after her real duck, King Quakers III. Keychains on every zipper on every bag and purse I own - my middle school obsession. My chapstick collection from elementary school. The papier mache head I made in 9th grade art. Character pictures and descriptions tacked to my wall from my latest novel. A to-do list from December 07.

It's weird looking around, being here. All my little projects that I labored over; covering my door with comics cut out of the newspaper, bible verses taped to the walls, the hand puppets I made in tenth grade drama. My bouncy ball collection. So much lotion and bubble bath I don't have any idea what to do with it all. High school yearbooks, all my Spanish textbooks, notebooks of notes from the past two years taking classes at the local college. Tons of pictures, of Juliet, my cousin Lisa, me with my little brother, me with my little cousin Alice, Elisabeth, Heather, Tara, Kelly, Jeannette and Ashley. Pictures of my daddy and me, brushing our teeth, being dorks together. My shelf full of things from different countries, the paper dragon my grandma brought me from Thailand, the little cross Karla brought from Tijuana, porcelain boxes from my mum, shells from Hawaii (okay, that's not another country but still). Dresses and pants in my closet I couldn't fit into if my life depended on it.

This was my life. This was my life for 18 years and I left and never looked back until today. It's so personal, so me. Every little trinket, every memory is a treasure. I am the girl who loves lavender and kids and family and friendship and theater and books, I have hundreds of books, and pictures and scrapbooks and treasure boxes and this is my life. Here, in this room, is my entire life. It makes my little apartment look forced and fake.

I remember the night before I moved out into the dorms, crying on the phone to my shrink because, as desperate as I was to get out, I couldn't imagine leaving it all behind. And now I sit here, looking around, wishing I could take it all with me but knowing I can never go back.

It's like I'm stuck between being a child and being an adult, and as much as I long to return I know the only way is forward. I just don't know how to reconcile this, mesh it all together, because as out of place as I feel here, I also feel like this is where I belong.