A New Day

To remind myself.

2009-10-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

There is so much pain, incomprehensible pain, in the lives of many people around me. If it hurts me this much to even think about it, how much more horrible must it be for the people who are experiencing it.

I read somewhere that God gives grace and strength according to the need. That's how I can see people getting by while thinking I would fall - the pain is theirs, so the strength is theirs, while I, a bystander, go to pieces.

I don't understand. That's all there is to it. I don't understand and it drives me mad. If someone could explain it, give me a solid reason. I just want one good reason and I would be fine. But no one has been able to give me one.

Trust. That's what they always say. But how can I trust when I don't understand. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen." Perhaps that's the whole definition of trust - the lack of understanding.

I don't know. I just don't know.

CALIFORNIAAAAAAA

2009-08-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

We are in Sacramento visiting my grandparents and tios. Chris and I are staying with Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob and my parents are staying a few minutes away at G&G's. We have been having a great time.

Friday-Monday:
Driving
Dinner with relatives in Portland
Went to Tillamook and kissed a cow
Saw Devil's Churn (purty)
Toured Heceta Head lighthouse at night
Saw the ocean!
Umpqua lighthouse
Ate at a few coastal greasy restaurants
Arrived!

Tuesday:
Slept in
Watched a bunch of Law and Order: SVU
Went to dinner and then CATS with Aunt Betty, Grandma, Aunt Sally, and awesome cousin Lisa (it was fantastic!!!)

Wednesday:
Prepared for Aunt Betty's birthday dinner
Ate Aunt Betty's birthday dinner. Guests: Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad, me and Chris, Kevin and Kelli, Lisa and Jeremy, Betty and Bob, Sally and Ron, and Casey. Fun times.

Thursday:
Went to see Lincoln Exhibit in downtown Sac but ended up going to the Capitol building instead. (It was neat!)
Drove Grandma to beauty shop.
Went shopping with Grandma for dinner.
Helped make dinner!

Friday:
San Francisco!
Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield
Legion of Honor art museum (neato)
Aquarium (so so)
Wax Museum
Dinner at the Rainforest Cafe!

Saturday:
Coffee with Lisa (yay)
Chillin' like a villian

Vacation is awesome.

Bleh

2009-08-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

For anyone who bothers reading this. Today is Tuesday. I found out last Wednesday that my beloved godmother has stage four breast cancer. It has been a week spent mostly in tears. It's not being called terminal at this point, and that's really all we hope for. But if I've been ignoring your calls and emails and such, the reason is I'm still trying to digest all of this...Auntie Nancy has always been a part of my life, and to be faced with the prospect of losing her is terrifying.

.

2009-07-31T20:24:00.001-07:00

I want to be happy I want to be happy I want to be happy. That's all I want. Why is it the only thing out of my grasp.

Grr.

2009-07-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sooo far behind on my JulNo. I think I will still finish...I just won't hit 60k this month like I wanted.

I've been getting lots of hours at the daycare cuz Dustie and Debbie are both off...(good luck in Tenerife Dustie!!) And I didn't have Miah this week...I'll have her next week, so between that and the daycare I'll be working from 8:45-5:30 every day o.o Eep.

I am so sick of summer. I am ready for the fall.

I miss the house of estrogen...and all my friends who are out of town. :( Poo. (Though the kid who always poops his pants didn't today, w00t! Even though another one wet his pants during nap...)

I am tiiiiiiired.

JulNo, Etc.

2009-06-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Only three more days til July Novel Writing Month 09!!!!!!!!!!! I'm super stoked. I have a tentative plot and some good characters and I'm excited.

Is it weird that I sometimes miss my old characters? Rianne and Kate and Sunny, from my first nearly-finished novel that makes me cringe within the first paragraph, and Aunt Emmy and Aunt Lucy and Ryan from last year's JulNo, which needs a complete rewrite...blehh. They were good characters, it's not their fault I didn't write them well.

Juliet was in town for a bit yesterday and that was fun. I met her suitemate, Jordan, the only one I didn't meet when I was in Moscow last month or whenever it was. We had a picnic at Manito (kinda) and it was lovely.

I'm sooo tired! Ugh. Next week is pretty open but after that I'm working like crazy again. Good I guess, I'll get a head start on JulNo. Oh yeah, and going to the coast for the Fourth, which will be fun I suppose.

w00t.

VBS

2009-06-25T19:12:00.001-07:00

We are rocking Crocodile Dock.

Tomorrow is the last day of VBS, and I have to admit I'm thankful. This was one of the tougher classes I've had; I only had one kid that I felt like I really "connected" with on a deeper level. We also had a couple of criers and stuff; normal stuff; and only two accidents, which is kind of amazing. We didn't get to go to Rally which was sad :( But yeah.

Other than that...my apartment is a mess so I've been sort of half-heartedly cleaning. Oh and Farrah Fawcett died today. (And no, I'm not going to say anything about the other celeb who died today, because Farrah Fawcett was majorly more awesome. Or majorly less creepy.)

So...yeah. Imma go wash me some dishes yo.

Updateeeee

2009-06-14T22:50:00.001-07:00

Hey.

I figured I'd try to get better at doing this, though I'm not sure if anyone even reads it. Actually now that I think about it I don't even know what I've mentioned and what I haven't. So.

In late March I moved from the Michaelis household into a studio apartment in the basement of the house of a friend of a friend. I now live on Hamilton and Illinois, right by Gonzaga, and I love it. I love my little place, and I love that I can get to the Trail in ten minutes and walk all along the river.

I also got a kitten (!!!) right after getting out of school (mid-May). He's orange and his name is Desi and he's gorgemous. And I luff him.

As for school, final grades: A- in Spanish, B+ in math, C+ in theology, which is probably about what I deserved (though I was hoping for a B in TH, poo). Oh have I mentioned that I started organ lessons in January? I love it, I really really do. It's absolutely amazing. I push one key and the sanctuary sounds like it's going to explode, the windows rattle - they really do. It's incredible.

Piano juries = gauntlet of cruelty, but I didn't forget my pieces, so that was good. And I think I did better on scales than last time.

Angela FINALLY had her baby, on April 24, and her name is Olivia and she likes me. Madeline is a fab big sis, and I've gotten to spend more time with her lately, babysitting and such, which has been great.

Umm...other than that, I'm nannying in the mornings, started that in early March and will continue through the summer and next year. Her name is Miah and she's 9. We have a lot of fun together :) She loves musicals almost as much as I do, and she's taking piano lessons. She's a really great girl.

Also still working at the daycare and loving it. I only work three afternoons a week, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but I'll probably end up getting some more hours over the summer when Dustie leaves for Tenerife!!!! at the same time that a couple of the other ladies are gone as well. That will be insane.

Uhm. In other news, I have like no friends home for the summer. Juliet is camping out in Bellingham, Amanda is fighting fires in the Olympic National Park, Ash is doing summer school, Laurel will be in Seattle being awesome and learning stuff, and Tara's joining the army and shipping out. Lamesauce. And I miss my ex-roommie Danielle, who is back in West Virginia :( I have been hanging out with Emily though, which is nice. I'm so glad she's back in town.

As usual, the lives of people around me continue to fall apart into fiery disarray, which is hard. I have three friends who are currently going through truly life-altering situations and I'm doing my best to be there for them, but most of the time I feel utterly useless. Also my aunt's tumors are getting bigger and my psychotic Ukranian ex-aunt is suing my uncle for his van...? and is getting very nasty about the whole thing.

Well, I suppose I'll toddle off to bed since I have to be up at six (tomorrow's the last day that early though, the rest of the week I don't have to be there til 7 yay). Nighty night world.

Reflection

2009-05-09T19:52:00.001-07:00

Turned in my theology papers with 40 minutes to spare. Quite proud of myself, actually. Amanda is in town for a whole TWO DAYS before going across the state to fight fires all summer :( I'm downright depressed about it but at least I'll get to see her tonight for a few hours (along with all her other friends though, but that's how it must be).

Spending the weekend at my parents' house. It's the first time I've spent any real time here since Christmas. Haven't stayed the night since then and I'm staying tonight. My room is a disaster so I decided to start cleaning it out. I thought it would be easy to just get rid of most of my junk, since obviously I haven't missed it since September.

I don't know, I started going through though and it's just weird the things I've found. My "Friends Forever" necklace with Tara that I tucked into a box to remind me of happier days. The candle Laurel gave me for Christmas in seventh grade. Earrings from my grandparents that I broke before I even got the chance to wear. My gramma's Halloween note from October. Razors in pockets in old purses. An envelope of pictures I was supposed to give Jeannette from Grease in eleventh grade. The candle I got for Tawni and never gave to her; maybe I'll give it to Janet. Four books on learning French (weird since I'm majoring in Spanish). The email for my freshman advisor at college. The box of Nilla Wafers Sam and Darlene gave me for Christmas a year ago, before Sam moved four states away. The duck-shaped bank that Bekah gave me for my birthday in fifth grade, that I named after her real duck, King Quakers III. Keychains on every zipper on every bag and purse I own - my middle school obsession. My chapstick collection from elementary school. The papier mache head I made in 9th grade art. Character pictures and descriptions tacked to my wall from my latest novel. A to-do list from December 07.

It's weird looking around, being here. All my little projects that I labored over; covering my door with comics cut out of the newspaper, bible verses taped to the walls, the hand puppets I made in tenth grade drama. My bouncy ball collection. So much lotion and bubble bath I don't have any idea what to do with it all. High school yearbooks, all my Spanish textbooks, notebooks of notes from the past two years taking classes at the local college. Tons of pictures, of Juliet, my cousin Lisa, me with my little brother, me with my little cousin Alice, Elisabeth, Heather, Tara, Kelly, Jeannette and Ashley. Pictures of my daddy and me, brushing our teeth, being dorks together. My shelf full of things from different countries, the paper dragon my grandma brought me from Thailand, the little cross Karla brought from Tijuana, porcelain boxes from my mum, shells from Hawaii (okay, that's not another country but still). Dresses and pants in my closet I couldn't fit into if my life depended on it.

This was my life. This was my life for 18 years and I left and never looked back until today. It's so personal, so me. Every little trinket, every memory is a treasure. I am the girl who loves lavender and kids and family and friendship and theater and books, I have hundreds of books, and pictures and scrapbooks and treasure boxes and this is my life. Here, in this room, is my entire life. It makes my little apartment look forced and fake.

I remember the night before I moved out into the dorms, crying on the phone to my shrink because, as desperate as I was to get out, I couldn't imagine leaving it all behind. And now I sit here, looking around, wishing I could take it all with me but knowing I can never go back.

It's like I'm stuck between being a child and being an adult, and as much as I long to return I know the only way is forward. I just don't know how to reconcile this, mesh it all together, because as out of place as I feel here, I also feel like this is where I belong.

Life

2009-04-11T22:14:00.001-07:00

My little brother is sitting on a cot on the floor of my apartment with his hair in pigtails, drawing a picture of a manga fairy. It's moments like these that make my chest hurt, thinking about how short life is, about the horrible crushing passing of time, how soon he'll be in high school and too cool for his big sis, and then maybe far away for college, and I miss him so much now and still see him every weekend, and what if he moves away and I never get to see him.

Grandpa Frank's funeral was today. It was awful. The gun salute and Taps outside in the pouring rain...I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my whole life. I can't think of a time.

It's so strange, this life thing. I don't understand it, it terrifies me.

Moo.

2009-03-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

Wow.

What a crazy few weeks.

Life is weird, and crazy, and horrible and wonderful.

And I have absolutely NO idea of how to cope.

just to know that you're alive (feb. 17)

2009-02-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

There have been more trials within the last month than probably all of the last year put together.

And yet, I have not skipped one class at all in 2009. I have done twice that which I would have done probably twenty times already since the beginning of the new year. I am on speaking terms with both of my parents, and my little brother calls me every Saturday to ask when we're going to hang out.

In the grand scheme, I am doing well.

Sure, there have been days (like today) when I've cried enough for several lifetimes, but maybe that's not an altogether bad thing. And there are people who I know are there for me, for hugs, for advice, for commiseration, and yes, for the kick in the butt to get me back on track.

I guess I see it like this. When life is good, you sip a cappuccino and thank God for his blessings. When the storms start to brew, you thank God for the roof over your head. When you run out of money, you thank God for your health. When sickness and disease come, you thank God for each other, and the precious gift of time, which, really, is all that matters. As Ruth says, "At least you have something to lose."

I don't know much about faith or religion, but I know this much. Believing in a plan gives you something to cling to, something to reach for, and when I'd really rather jump off a bridge than just about anything else, I can wrap my shaking fingers around the belief that there is some perfect design, and I can know that, somehow, things are going to be okay.

There is so much brokenness in the world. So many families wrenched apart, so many bodies and minds ravaged by disease, so many people facing personal crises on so many levels. We have to, I have to, believe there is a purpose. We must. Because if there is not, then all of this is happening for nothing, and if you believe that then why bother going on living at all?

We live because, deep down, sometimes deeper than we dare look, there is that desperate desire to believe that we have a purpose. We live because there are people we care about, people we want to spend time with. We live because we crave the smell of a new morning, long for the calm pitter-patter of a summer rain, ache for dusky pine and the light wind that kisses us to sleep.

We live because we must..but it is only when we realize this that life becomes a verb instead of a noun, and we are freed to experience it thoroughly.

Ugh

2009-02-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

The last week has been really, really horrible.

Without going into too much detail, basically a friend of Ruth's and mine is going through a divorce, and she's staying here until she can get an apartment or something. It has, obviously, been soo terribly hard for her, and she has kids, and her husband is kind of scary at times, so it's been rather tumultuous here. She's staying in my room so I'm sleeping on Hava's futon. It's not bad, really. I cleaned up all her dirty clothes today and put them on her half of the room, lol. :)

Also found out a tragic secret about a good friend.

And the guy I have a crush on has a girlfriend.

Lame.

Anyway.

Actually, I wrote something in a note on FB that I think I shall post here as well. Yeah, that sounds good.

Laters.

Patience

2009-02-08T11:51:00.001-08:00

she waits underneath the chandelier
a glittering gasp of a brighter past
wrapped in rose petals and silk she waits
for her crooked-headed man

frowning flowers
brown in the late afternoon sun
her eyes dry as sticks
she stares across
this monolithic corridor called Foyer

she imagines him riding home on a rusting horse
her seasoned champion
now only five chickens are left
and soon she will have to brave the cold

night comes
she waits
under the chandelier
thinking of her
crooked-headed man
who soon will come
running through a Russian winter

to bring her
all the things she wants
dresses, jewels, and lace
and tea and sugar and painted canaries
and two arms and a shovel to bury the child
she couldn’t save alone.

Sleepover w00t

2009-02-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

We finally had our sleepover!!!

It included:
Ruth (mom)
Hava (13)
Me
Selma (mom)
Kezia (11)
Madison (7)

And it was AWESOME.

Selma and the girls got here while Ruthie and Hava were out. Dan yells up the stairs: "Mom...who are these kids?" We colored monsters for a while until Ruth got home. Then we talked, and then Hava got back and we messed around on YouTube for a while. The best videos we found were:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpA2tMrQ4RU

and

Ruth made nachos.

We watched quite a lot of Invader Zim.

Several hours later we decided to make pizza, at which point the grown-ups and I left the kitchen in terror. While the pizza was baking we played Apples to Apples and it was most exciting. I can't remember who won...it might have been Kezia.

Then we went back downstairs to watch Mamma Mia, but after a very short amount of time Joanie, Ruthie, AND my Selmabear left to go to a club or something, leaving ME in charge of three hyperactive demons. I tried to keep them entertained with a makeover, but all ended in chaos as we watched Caillou, Elmo in Numberland, SpongeBob, and something with dancing babies (that was after the karaoke, which was "Little Bunny Foo Foo").

The parents returned and could immediately tell things had gone awry. I retreated to the safety of the kitchen.

We went to bed.

Then this morning, Selma had to leave and we were sad :( But she gave us money for root beer, so we went on a quest to Safeway, which was most exciting, and returned with four 12-packs of rootbeer (they were on sale!), two little tubs of marshmallow creme (which Joanie, the dietician, promptly confiscated), some nutella, and bagels (I told them they had to eat something healthy before I would let them eat ice cream. RESPONSIBLE ADULT!!)

Joan told us we needed to exercise, so we spent the next hour and a half taking action shots on the trampoline. Then we finished off the nutella during a rousing game of Apples to Apples, during which Kezia got stuck between the wall and my bed - most entertaining.

The Joanie called my cell phone and told us we were missing the SuperBowl ads, which caused a mass exit from my bedroom as, amid much screaming, all of the children booked it down two flights of stairs and crashed on the couch.

Several hours passed.

Hava went to do homework, and I took Kezia and Madi home.

I then spent the rest of the evening uploading pictures and videos. There were FORTY-TWO videos on my camera from the thirty hours or so we spent together.

It was a MAGNIFICENT two days. Pictures on Facebook, yo.

Poem

2009-01-21T18:00:00.001-08:00

words flitter
all around
brittle

i try to let them in
but my fingers
falter at the latch

i watch their dance
trying
to divine their meaning

but all i comprehend
is the plastic flutter
of painted wings

Back Home

2009-01-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

We got back around 7ish tonight, yay. That was hell on wheels, let me tell you.

Umm...I had a bunch to say but then I got tired and forgot it all. I hate New Year's, for one, and I've already bungled up my resolutions, so forget that.

One of my resolutions was to write a poem a day in 2009...not sure how long that will last, but if you're interested the link is www.nutmegspoems.blogspot.com.

Loves.

Hello

2008-12-31T20:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm in Cali, and so far it's been nice. Except today my parents are both furious at me. Today I was using my grandpa's computer and my dad comes in and says, "Did you ask Pop before you messed everything up?" I said, "Well, the screen was black and I didn't touch his program" and Dad goes, "Oh, that's right, I forgot it was all about you." Wtf?

Can't wait to get back and have a sleepover with Hava and Auntie Ruth and Selma and the girls :)

Blahhhh.

Poem

2008-12-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

goodbye
she says
to the broken bottle
on the sidewalk
goodbye to
the spiderweb in the corner
that she kept meaning to clean
goodbye to books and bagels,
toys and trees
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

to christmas lights and silver bells
to candy corn and love
goodbye to ants
to turtles, to rocks
goodbye to thanksgiving turkey
goodbye to
the easter bunny's long white ears

goodbye
she sings
to the merry robin
to the pancake pidgeon in the street
goodbye sugar
goodbye death
goodbye calenders and clocks,
seconds and hours,
goodbye breath,
goodbye bacon in the morning,
goodbye chocolate.

goodbye
she whispers
and the lights go out.

Snowww

2008-12-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

There is SO MUCH SNOW.

I'm all moved in at Ruthie's, whee. I love it here. I love Ruthie and Hava and Joanie and Dan's not too bad either :) And Daisy and the Smooshtums...but Bacon does not like me. She eats my feet. Rawr.

Hav and I went to the park today (both of us in rubber rainboots lol) and jumped from the toy thingie into the snow. It was fun. Then we made these weird kind of cookies and watched The Grinch.

Is it odd that I do not miss my family at all?

New topic: Divorce. It makes me sooo sad. I know one lady who is going through one right now, and she just looks so sad. I don't know her very well yet but I'm working on it. I called her yesterday :) She is so sweet.

And another one, someone I've known for ages, but I didn't know until a few weeks ago how tough things are for her...and it's just not fair, because she's the most amazing person, and has this wonderful incredible family, and...it just sucks. I feel so absolutely useless. I just wish I could do something helpful. And with this fracking snow I can't even kidnap her and take her to lunch or something.

I'm just glad Hava's home.

Ends of Beginnings and Beginnings of Ends

2008-12-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is my deeply philosophical blog post title, and for those of you that read them, a recent Good Thing.

But that's what this is. The end of the beginning of my "True College Experience," as I get set to move out of these dorms and back into a real home...and perhaps a truer meaning to the word "home" than I've ever experienced.

And, therefore, the beginning of the end of SI. Hopefully. For realsies. Maybe. (Can you tell it's going well?) I don't understand this desperate desire to cling to it at the expense of my emotional (and physical) health. Maybe because I have so little faith in the possibility of this elusive "health" that I'd rather stay here (metaphorically) than get my hopes up. But that's silly.

Onward and upward. I joined the bell choir :) Tonight was my first time performing with them. I really like those ladies. Some of them are from Bible study (miss Diane, our fab conductor (director??), my partner in crime, Shirley, and Brenda, my New Best Friend.) ((I think it should be director.))

But seriously, Brenda is sooo cool. She has TWO ORGANS in her house!! (Like the kind you play, not the kind you sell on the black market.) And I was with her when she bought the second one! It was amazing. And she knits all these fabulous things and her cats are named Meatloaf and Little Miss Steinway and her husband is freaking awesome too. She has some pretty incredible stories. And I think we're alike in a lot of ways. She's one of the few people who I trusted implicitly after knowing her for a pretty short time, considering.

Although I find myself trusting implicitly more and more people these days. Is this a good thing?

Sheesh, I need to update more often so my ramblings aren't so long. Peace.

Speak

2008-11-25T00:33:00.000-08:00

Just watched the movie Speak. It's been several years since I read the book...in fact, I might have read it in the psych ward.

It makes me think. Compared to so many people, I have gone through so little. My trials are few and far-between. And yet, I think of my life as a tragedy (or maybe a tragecomedia, I guess). It doesn't make sense. Cognitively, logically, it doesn't make sense.

But Mrs. H. (the first, not the second) always said that feelings are intrinsically valid. "Your feelings are the one thing no one can take away from you. No one can tell you you aren't feeling what you are." And I feel sad most of the time. I feel depressed, chemically and clinically I'm depressed, half bipolar and half schizo, whatever.

I wish I could think my way out of it; reason my way out of it. But at the end of the day feelings will be what they will be, and logic has no place. Logos, egos, pathos. For me the most convincing arguments are those that rely on pathos, though I can appreciate logos and ethos. Hmm.

Then, pathologically speaking (I don't think that's how you really say it), I should feel empathy in proportion to the amount of suffering (or is that logos speaking again?) Or is it just one of those things where quantity doesn't matter, merely presence - like sin? Or forgiveness?

I screwed up last night, big time. And I can't reason my way out of it and I can't feel my way out of it. It looks and tastes like cold hard reality, but I turn my face away. I don't want to see it. Because if I do, my illusion splinters and whatever safety net I thought I had reveals itself to be nothing more than cobwebs.

My reality and true reality are epically different. And realizing that (for the first time?) makes me sad, because I think I pride myself on knowing the truth. Even if I don't always (read: usually) act accordingly, I know in my head - I understand.

But if I don't even know what is real and what isn't, what do I have left? On what can I base my decisions? What grounds do I have for my actions, the way I choose to live my life? Without reality, everything else becomes relative, and therefore useless. (And what is there besides reality anyway? Delusion? Now that sounds attractive.)

Ugh, I don't know. I wish logic would win.

"Each day is a victory."

Blind

2008-11-18T21:13:00.000-08:00

In winter’s embrace
when the power goes out
and you can’t find
a single flashlight
do you wonder
if this is what it’s like
to be blind?

to step uncertainly,
ask unknowingly,
knowing you must
move ahead but always
nervous about
what may be in store?

and when you
go into the bathroom
are you are glad
you live here
because, even in the black,
you know where things are?
and then

when you look up
into the mirror
and there is no face
looking back at you
do you wonder
if it’s because
you have no face?
I do.

But I have realized
that just because
I can’t see the path
doesn’t mean
a path doesn’t exist;
just that I am
too blind to see it.

Someone with sight
can show me the way.

More NaNo Ramblings...

2008-11-17T23:27:00.001-08:00

All of my MCs so far have been weak. Bethany, Ryan, Chantey...buckling under pressure, giving in. I have the sudden desperate desire to write a strong MC, someone who endures, who overcomes...but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to present it honestly because I don’t know how to do it. And that makes me sad.

NaNo

2008-11-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

So. I'm doing National Novel Writing Month, and I have less than 5k words total. LESS THAN 5K! That is seriously NOT good.

And you know what's even worse? I think I'm going to have to scrap my idea and start over.

I started out with interesting, lovely, well-developed characters and a plot I felt passionately about...but I think it hits too close to home. My MC (main character, for you non-writerly folks) has some of the same "issues" I do (albeit to a greater degree), and writing those scenes screws with my mind. Sometimes I forget that it's Chantey (oh, yeah, my other problem...what the heck is with that name? Chantey?) who's experiencing these things and not me...and when my grasp on reality is already shakey at best, I don't think that's a good position to put myself in.

I just spent five minutes deleting and then re-typing the 'e' in shakey because it doesn't look right. Hmm.

So anyway. If anyone has any brilliant, stupendous, awesome and awe-inspiring ideas for a novel, ring me up or FB me because I'm in desperate, desperate need of plot - not to mention WORDS!!!

I will NOT lose my first NaNo ever, not after winning JulNo and actually liking the result. I WILL win if it kills me (and I'm not entirely sure it won't).

...and all that usual jazz about how long it's been since I posted, and all that. I doubt anyone even looks at this, but it supports my delusion of significance. (I made that term up, and it was a joke anyway, I don't have delusions...that I know of o.O I'm a little lower on the schizophrenia scale, I guess. Haha.)

Yeah.

Laters.

Grandpa Frank

2008-10-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

...has pancreatic cancer. I knew that. What I didn't know is that he was given three to six months five months ago. I'm very, very sad. Grandma June and Grandpa Frank have lived behind us for my entire life.

I hate cancer. I hate it with everything in me.

Siiiiiigh...

2008-09-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

I miss my friends. And my brother. And even my parents *gasp*

I thought Whitworth would be different than Eastern, but aside from classes being harder I feel exactly the same, exactly as weird and foreign and left out. Why? Why don't I fit in anywhere? Not at school, where everyone always has friends and I'm just a nuisance...not with the lovely ladies at church who have kids and grandkids and husbands...not with the FBC Bible study, where everyone has known each other for years, not at work where a certain someone hates me and I never know what to do...the only place I fit is with the kids on Sunday mornings. And that's such a short time to belong.

Stupid effing life. Why bother?

Urgey

2008-09-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

...and lonely, and I want to call someone but I don't want to wake anyone up and I can't decide who I want to talk to anyway.

blah.

Ickle Update

2008-09-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

Well, I'm at Whitworth and I love it here. I love my roommate (most of the time lol) and I love the fact that I can see the music building from my window. I love three of my four classes and I have great professors. The food...well, it leaves something to be desired, but what's to be expected on a college campus?

This is my schedule:
MWF 9:05 Intro to Public Speaking
10:25 Messiah
12:50 Spanish Lit
1:55 Improvisational Acting
T 8:30 Freshman Seminar
11:30 Piano Lessons
R No class :D

For those of you who don't know, I started working at Mount Spokane Church Early Learning Center (a long way of saying "daycare") and it's a blast. The kids are...energetic, but adorable. I get to work with Amanda's friend Dustie, who has now become my friend, and it's way fun.

Umm...in other news, I've been having a really tough time transitioning to college life. Some of you know that I have something called schizoaffective disorder, which is basically between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia - both a thought (schizophrenia) and mood (bipolar) disorder, which makes it harder to treat than bipolar but easier than schizophrenia. Lately my auditory hallucinations have been kind of out of control and it's been really hard to cope, but I'm giving it my best :)

Anyway, hope everyone is well and not too terribly sad that summer's over.

Completely Disillusioned

2008-08-20T00:23:00.001-07:00

I just found my biological mom on myspace. I guess I had expected her to look old-fashioned and studious like the most recent (of three) pictures I have of her. Nuh-uh. She looks mean and has all these tattoos and her best friend on myspace, her sis (which would be my aunt! ack!), well her profile is all about sex and drinking and smoking and such.

I have always, ALWAYS wanted to meet her. But now...I'm not sure. She looks...scary.

So glad I never thought of looking her up sooner.

I don't know...I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to message her or just pretend I never thought up this stupid idea. I know every adopted kid when they're little thinks their parents are the king and queen of a small European country, and I guess I thought I had realistic expectations, but I can't imagine this woman being my mother.

I look nothing like her.

I hate this, all of it.

Ack

2008-08-17T15:47:00.001-07:00

I'm so restless and just don't know what to do with myself. Hanging out with the hubby in a bit, which will be nice, I haven't seen him for a while. Just talked to P and she's having a rough time, which makes me sad because all she deserves is happiness. I hope she finds happiness soon.

Juliet got back to Bellingham last night and I'm hoping I'll get to see her when we go over to the grandparents' house on Wednesday. (Well, we probably won't see her Wednesday, but hopefully sometime before we come back.)

In other news, my roommie Danielle (a.k.a. Dibbs) is in town, and tomorrow we're going out to Whitworth to do some stuff. I'm super excited to "meet" her (we were friends once upon a time before she moved.)

Yay.

Blahbity Blah

2008-08-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Since finishing Adagio I've been kind of like...
blah.

I'm housesitting in the middle of nowhere. I like the house, actually, and the dog is a sweetie. Cat's a little strange, and they also have a goat named Daisy and thirteen chickens!

Feeling lonely.

Doneeeee

2008-08-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Finished at 10ish this morning. Now I've printed it out and am happily editing away =)

Hooray!

Waah

2008-08-04T00:04:00.003-07:00

So I just had to kill off Emmy. I cried, I actually cried. I didn't think I would.

This is so darn depressing.

Last chapter, now.

Depressed

2008-08-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm only about ten pages away from having a complete first draft of Adagio and I have to admit I'm slightly depressed. I don't want to be done with this story. I love my characters, I love my plot...I don't want to say goodbye. Writing this novel has been such an amazing experience for me...there's so much of me in it. I don't want to stop, I want to keep writing forever and ever, but there's just not enough plot, and I have to end sometime...

It's just hard to say goodbye.

...

2008-07-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am not coping well. I'm sick and tired of effing coping. I want to be well, but I don't think I will ever be. What's the point of trying? Why bother fighting? There is nothing in my future to look forward to.

I have been ill for so long. It's not fair and I don't understand and I don't care, I don't care about anything anymore.

Ughhh

2008-07-29T09:55:00.001-07:00

Was feeling fine when I got home, but the anxiety has been building and building :( And it's not even 10am yet! Blah.

I need to go do something, I guess.

My Amazing Evening

2008-07-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

So I just had the best night ever.

I went to the Steinway Piano Gallery by the valley mall for a book reading/concert thing. First Tom Kuntz, my piano tuner, improvised on bass with a guy named Casey Wilkinson on piano. That was fabulous. Then Dr. Graves played three songs. The first was Liszt's "Consolation." Then Rachmaninoff's Prelude in B minor, and then some Gershwin. Ach, I am so in awe of her talent. After that Perri Knize read some from her book, Grand Obsession, of which I have a copy that was given to me by my godmother for graduation.

The best thing was that Dr. Graves remembered me - actually, seemed glad to see me and gave me a big hug and said to call her and let her know how I'm doing. What a sweet lady. Seriously, she has so much personality and is so kind. Not to say anything about her freaking amazing piano playing skillz.

Then I had a chat with Matt, the dude who works at the piano gallery. He's pretty cool and I'm going to teach him piano in exchange for guitar lessons. w00t.

I had such a fun night and now I absolutely can't sleep. (Oh, yeah, and Mrs. Knize signed my copy of her book :]) Now I have to write b/c I haven't written yet today, and if I went to bed now it would be two days in a row with no writing. Not good.

Ahhhh...I love pianos.

Noveling Troubles

2008-07-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

So this is chapter six. This is the part where Emmy is supposed to get sick. But I can't write it, I just can't. I don't want her to die! It's not fair.

This is silly, Megan, you've had this planned all along, it's half your plot. This is a coming of age story, for crying out loud, Emmy HAS to die. But I don't want to write it! I absolutely do NOT want to write it.

I don't want Emmy to die, she's my favorite character! She's loud and bossy and completely unapologetic, and cheerful and crazy and a little bit cantankerous...she's so personable and I love her to death. I don't want to kill her off :(

Somebody tell me I'm not crazy for not wanting my favorite character to die! Poor, poor Emmy. :*(

Imagine That

2008-07-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

At EXACTLY seven o'clock this morning (I know because my alarm was going off) I fell in love with the name Emily.

Go figure.

PS: Got a cartilege piercing yesterday :)

Well...?

2008-07-17T19:02:00.001-07:00

What if I never meant to say that?

This is who I am

2008-07-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

This is me.

The girl who loves 92.9 and 101.9 and 81.9. Who listens to Broadway musicals and Tchaikovsky and BarlowGirl and Kelly Clarkson. The girl who has a Phantom of the Opera poster next to a quote about Beethoven.

I am the one who loves corset tops and basketball shorts; who wishes for storms and hates sunshine; who hates exercise but loves mowing the lawn. The one who loves the smell of candles and is fascinated by fire. Who loves kids but doesn't want one of her own.

I am the girl who paints her toenails green and hates wearing shoes. Who is addicted to Starbucks and spends more money than she has. Who won't be happy unless she can fulfill her calling in life - to help others.

I am the kind of person who gets an A in biology, her worst subject, but receives a 2.8 in Spanish because she skips too much class. Who dreams of seeing earth from the surface of the moon; of gazing upon the magnificent pyramids in Egypt; of eating cool whip until she throws up.

I am the one with too many scars but not enough. The one with tan hands and pale arms from wearing long sleeves all summer. The one who wishes she didn't care what people think about her, but really does. The girl who is awkward and shy around guys, except for the three Chris's, two brothers and a husband.

This is the girl who quotes kids' movies and Shakespeare and keeps pictures of friends on her desk to inspire her. The girl who loves to write novels and poetry and has hidden suicide notes under her mattress. The girl who ignores people because she's afraid of rejection, and forgets to reach out when she needs help.

This is me. This is who I am.

Take it or leave it.

Breathe

2008-07-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get to the point where all you can do is breathe. Where it takes everything in you to remember: inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale.

Let's get real: life is tough. Everyone has crap. Maybe some people have more than others, but it's always there. So how do we get through? How do we find the joy? The answer: We seek it out, because if we don't, we may go crazy.

I am slowly getting better, and it's terrifying, because I don't know what it's like to be healthy. My psychiatrist says her goal is to get me to a place where I wake up happy to be alive. It's unimaginable for me.

Someday I hope my life will be like that. But for now...I just have to remember...

Breathe.

Quiz Thingie

2008-07-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Mao Ferguson
2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Peppermint Con
3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal) Lavender Cat...?
4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Kristine Seattle
5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, the first two letters of your first name): WedMe
6. Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Mocha (eww)
7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Ralph Presley lol
8. Stripper name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Secret Milky Way
10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Owens Ontario
11. Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Rose
12. Cartoon name: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Watermelon BlueSock
13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Biscuit Birch

Blah

2008-06-16T21:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know really how to say all of this. I'm feeling really mixed up and confused. I love so many things about my life. I love my room, my bed, my little brother (mostly), I love my hippie shirt and my piano belt, I love the people in my life that care about me. I love my piano and my choir kids and my books. But sometimes I just wish desperately that I could be someone else. Someone whole. Someone with parents that didn't want to rip each other's heads off. I just want to be okay, I want my family to be okay. But I guess most families aren't okay, however much they want you to think they are.

But I think a lot of families are okay. Amanda's, Ashley's, Jeannette's, Sheri's, Danielle's. Unless they're all just really good at hiding it. Are we good at hiding it, or is it blatantly obvious that we are not a happy bunch of coconuts?

It's my dad. I don't understand him at all. I can't comprehend him, can't predict him. I never know what he's going to be like and I hate it. I feel like I don't know him. He's so distant and moody, it's like he's not even part of the family anymore and I miss him like crazy. He never laughs anymore. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss it a lot. I want him to be happy.

It's like, I say hi to him and I don't even exist. He never talks to me anymore, even when I try to start the conversation. I don't know what I did to make him so angry at me. All I've ever wanted to do was please him.

I want my dad back.

Rescue by Seabird

2008-06-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

Watch Video:

Rescue (Seabird)

Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com

Um. I don't know if that will work. But I love this sooooong!

Things Are Not Going Well.

2008-05-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

I feel so torn, so lost. So incapable of dealing with anything. So alone.

Afraid to tell people, lest I disappoint them yet again. But how can I keep this to myself?

This Present Darkness

2008-05-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

In the Bible it says
This Present Darkness
(meaning)
it has
no past nor future
but this darkness
is my past
and my

future?

This Present Darkness
that stuffs me full of
splintered mirrors
and chewed razor blades
to the extent of
(over)flowing

where is
the light?

(here)
I Am.

Ugh

2008-05-21T19:30:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm absolutely down in the dumps. I did something incredibly, incredibly stupid and I'm regretting it, yet I'm not willing to take the steps to correct it. I just feel so torn.

I know what the right thing to do is. I know what to do to help myself get better. But I won't do it. Why not? It's so simple, so easy...but so hard, so freaking hard. The hardest thing I've ever tried to do, for some strange reason. I just can't do it.

I'm afraid to tell anyone because I know how disappointed they'd be in me. I only told Tani because she asked. And my shrink.

This is so stupid, I'm so stupid. Why can't I just do the right thing?

Writing

2008-05-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to write more, and I decided to post my writing excercises that I'll be doing. ^_^

I shall be accountable, even if it's only to myself.

MONDAY'S PROMPT: Do cartoons have long term effects on us? Write something that makes mention of a cartoon character you haven't thought about in a very long time.

Today I ordered checks for the first time. I turned 18 a month and a half ago and finally got around to setting up a checking account. I made my mom go with me and politely ordered her to do all the talking (it was kind of a low day for me). She agreed.

The lady who helped us was young, with thick eyeliner and a conspicuously low-cut top. Her nametag read, "Brittany." She guided us through the process of setting up an account. Then she asked me if I would like a design on my checks and offered me their catalogue.

Turning the pages, I instantly settled on the SpongeBob SquarePants checks. It had been a while since I'd thought of my squishy friend and his dull sidekick, Patrick, for whom I have a special fondness.

At the end of the year in my AP Euro class, we got "mugged." Meaning: our teacher gave us each mugs that reminded her of us. Mine has SpongeBob and Patrick riding jellyfish and says "Special" across the top. Yup, that's me. Special.

Grumpy

2008-04-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

I got home today and no one else was home, and no one even bothered to leave a note or call and tell me where they were. It for some reason just makes me feel like I'm worth nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting, but they always want to know where I am.

I'm so overwhelmed with homework that all I want to do is sleep.

Feeling Lame

2008-04-26T17:05:00.001-07:00

I hate how fast I can go from feeling great to feeling like a cow pie. I'm not doing so good right now and there's really no reason for it. :(

Rawr.

Dad

2008-04-25T21:25:00.001-07:00

you are a flame
and she
is the whiteness spewing
from the fire extinguisher

don’t you see
how we dance around your sting
wanting to warm ourselves
but afraid of being singed?

she aims at you
and sprays her words
but somehow
they don’t touch you

if you keep on like this
one day she will run out
and you will devour
all of us

Search

2008-04-20T16:55:00.001-07:00

you are
something incomprehensible, indescribable
a statue, unchanging
a breathing father

but what
are you?

when i awake
your stillness pounds like blunt stone
and i can’t hide
from your goneness

so where
are you?

i cry days
and days and still there is no response
from your
empty cubicle

i can’t
find you
come search
for
me

Blah

2008-04-17T20:17:00.001-07:00

I just want someone to tell me that there is hope.

Something I Stole From Dustie's Blog

2008-04-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Just some fun. So read it, laugh, and then do it yourself. :D
We are going to make the soundtrack of your lifeso here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting

Opening Credits: 12 Days of Christmas :)
Waking up: Frozen Man by James Taylor
First Day At School: What Are You Waiting For by Natalie Grant
Falling In Love: OK by Rebecca St. James - ha
Fight Song: Follow the Fold from Guys and Dolls
Breaking Up: Love is Like a Butterfly by Dolly Parton...um...
Prom: Same Old Saturday Night by Frank Sinatra...lol
Life: Jeannie, TV Themes of the 70s
Mental Breakdown: Master of the House from Les Mis
Driving: Turn Your Love Around by George Benson (I've never actually listened to this song)
Flashback: The Attack from Les Mis
Relationships: I Remember/Stranger Than you Dreamt It from Phantom
Getting back together: Luck Be a Lady from Guys and Dolls
Wedding: How Fair This Place by Sarah Brightman
Birth of a Child: Fur Elise
Final Battle: Crucifixion from JCS - haha
Funeral: Circle of Life from the Lion King...how appropriate
End Credits: Santa Evita from Evita

Babysitting

2008-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

I got to babysit again tonight - w00t! It was a lot of fun. I had Taylor, 5, Owen, 3, and Kael, who just turned one yesterday. Their dad, Jason, stayed home and worked because he didn't feel well. Kael cried for the first hour off and on, sometimes screaming, so I eventually had to go get Jason and ask him what to do. Jason fed him and just put him to bed :)

I took Chris with me because there were supposed to be five kids, but little Jason and Sean were sick so they weren't there. Rachel, the kids' mom, said I could still bring "a friend" though.

I'm going to see Beautiful tomorrow and ask if she needs me to babysit on Thursday because Mom said I could.

I'm still feeling really strong, etc. I'm really excited to tell Michelle on Tuesday about my Big Decision.

Since my grandpa's here my brother has to sleep in my room. It's kinda frustrating because I really need some alone time and I'm really not getting it, so I get cranky and it's not his fault but I take it out on him. :( Sad, I know.

Okay, done now. G'night.

Quitting

2008-04-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many of you know that I injure myself. BUT. Today is the day it ends. Nada mas, that is my solemn promise to myself and those who care about me. The end. I'm getting rid of my tools as soon as I can do it inconspicuously (sp?). I think it's a big step.

I'm scared as crap but I'm going to do it.

Birthday

2008-04-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

I had a nice birthday. My grandpa (dad's dad) was here from CA. I didn't get any presents though because I got my laptop as a Christmas/birthday/graduation gift in October. We went to Red Robin to get the gourmet mac and cheese and they DISCONTINUED it!!! I almost cried. Then we went to Costco and I got my Costco card :) No more depending on my parents to borrow their cards when I need gas!

TBH I was a little emotional. I kind of never expected to reach this birthday, you know? And now suddenly I'm "an adult" with responsibility and a future that I never expected to have.

Anyway, I made it.

Aha.

2008-04-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

I finally got one that I will use. Yay me.

Today is my 18th birthday and I got my Costco card. :) :) :)